“Three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so. Hold the line! Stay with me! If you find yourself alone, riding in the green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled. For you are in Elysium, and you’re already dead!”- Maximus (Russell Crowe)

Gladiator (2000)

Director: Ridley Scott

Language: English/ Russell Crowe Growling

Ah Gladiator. This film is just joyous. It has Russell Crowe in it – from back when he was a legit action hero and not whatever thing he became in that god awful Robin Hood with Cate Blanchette in it. Joaquin Phoenix plays the deliciously corrupt and scheming evil bad guy with a chin designed to make every attempt your face has ever made at having a jaw feel woefully inadequate. Djimon Hounsou, Omid Djalili and Richard Harris are all also in this movie, and are all also excellent in it. Oh, did I forget to mention OLIVER FUCKING REED who just is absolutely dynamite and classy and exceptional with every word, look and gesture. I get just as many tingles at ‘I never said I knew him, I said he touched me on the shoulder once’ as I do in any of the more famous speeches in the film. Plus more people, who are also great in it. It has swords, sandals, and a dream that was Rome. It may not be high culture, but it is deeply satisfying and unavoidably entertaining.

OH I ALMOST DIDN’T MENTION HOW THE MUSIC IS AMAZING. Hans Zimmer’s score is fanfuckingtastic. It is just perfect for the tone of the film. Showy, stirring and swollen it makes me grin just to hear the main theme. (Geek side note: I actually played it in my youth orchestra when I was younger. Yeah. Check me out. $waggatron)

Anyway, this post is a little bit special. Some of you who follow my normal self on Twitter will recognise that this is how I spent my post-exams hangover. So this is a ReWatch revisited (and tidied up slightly). In other words, here are 47 things I thought while watching Gladiator roughly 2 months ago.

  1. I’m into this barbarian chieftain. Tormund Giantsbane has really altered my perspective on Germanic tribe chic recently.
  2. Note: you are shouting “stay with me”, Maximus Russellus Crowdius, but you are also in a battle and riding down a hill. They cannot hear you.
  3. This slowed down battle sequence with the OTT emotional music is naff. I will accept that. I will.
  4. “There is no one left to fight, Sire” “There is always someone left to fight” – Marcus Aurelius, badass motherfucker. Meditate on that.
  5. I’m now imagining dirtbag Marcus Aurelius.
  6. I AM MAXIMUS AND I LOVE FARMING.
  7. “You are the son I should have had.” Oh look, Ridley Scott is doing dirtbag Marcus Aurelius for me.
  8. Genuinely, though, Marcus Dirtbagius Aurelius, is Rome ready to become a republic again? Is it?
  9. Also, if my Dad wrote me a letter listing the chief virtues i would be unimpressed. So I feel you, Commodus.
  10. That is actually something my Dad would 100% do.
  11. I would not kill him though. My stay on team Commodus was brief.
  12. MAXIMUS, YOUR HAND WOULD BE BLEEDING IF YOU GRABBED A SWORD BY THE BLADE AND THEN STABBED SOMEONE WITH IT.
  13. Forget the historical inaccuracies everyone else cares about, why aren’t his hands bleeding?
  14. I know this is an emotional scene, but the dust in his hair makes him look very 90s. FROSTED TIPS YO.
  15. “Don’t die – they’ll feed you to the Lions.” So? He won’t care, he’ll be dead.
  16. Being fed to the Lions – great hangover description.
  17. “You sold me queer giraffes” – WHAT I HAD FORGOTTEN THIS LINE!!
  18. I love how there is just a casual hawk in the background of this scene getting his fuss on.
  19. Like, Maximus Russellus Crowdius is having his whole ‘I won’t fight’ thing and there is a hawk shaking his little head in indignation.
  20. I do not think that cow mask is appropriate battle garb.
  21. Person I am watching with: what language we are supposed to think the Numidian, Germanic tribesperson and Maximus are speaking?
  22. My response: LOOK HE IS WHACKING FOOLS IN THE FACE WITH HIS SHIELD.
  23. DEREKUS JACOBIUS SENATOROUS THANKS FOR JOINING US.
  24. DEREKUS JACOBIUS SENATORIOUS is trolling the shit out of Commodus.
  25. “Have you ever embraced someone dying of plague, sire?” OH SNAAAAPPPPPP.
  26. I feel like they are going out of their way not to say ‘bread and circuses’ while implying it in every sentence in this conversation.
  27. I know, even as I do this, that I cannot change my own love for this scene where he cuts of a guy’s head with two swords.
  28. BUT if both swords go right through the neck then wouldn’t there be a weird little leftover flesh discus?
  29. I DID NOT SAY I KNEW HIM I SAID HE TOUCHED ME ON THE SHOULDER ONCE. I fucking love this movie.
  30. I love how Commodus goes from minor dickhead to ballsack crazy in about a week. It’s so fun.
  31. I HEART this bit where they discuss the economic consequences of having 150 days of games and not enough Gladiators.
  32. I love also how Maximus Russellus Crowdius bonds with children by reminding them he can crush their skulls.
  33. I feel like his helmet would be more effective with cheek pieces. Although it would carry less swag. Good call Maximus Russellus Crowdius.
  34. Carthage? More like Carnage … AM I RIGHT????
  35. I know he isn’t actually using the child as a shield because he doesn’t know Maximus is trying to kill him, but it REALLY looks like it.
  36. I fucking love the Germanic Gladiator in this movie.
  37. How many times is someone going to refer to Rome as a) ‘a dream’ or b) ‘the mob’?
  38. LITERALLY THROWING BREAD AT THE MOB IN A CIRCUS.
  39. Derekus Jacobus Senatorius welcome back.
  40. Maximus never seems to have to train any more because he made a speech.
  41. Everyone in this movie pronounces Marcus Aurelius differently.
  42. I still do not approve of this kiss. I’m sorry. I don’t like it. Nope. Nuh uh.
  43. Things I love about this film: every goddamn moment that Oliverus Reedius Proximus is on screen.
  44. Person watching with me: “stairways spiral the other way SO YOU CAN DEFEND THEM … they do not have a strategy here.”
  45. Every time someone in this I’ll says ‘I knew a man’ or ‘a man once said’ it’s Marcus Aurelius.
  46. I had forgotten how great it is when Maximus just punches the shit out of Commodus.
  47. BOOM. That was fantastic. WHAT a hungover classical movie.
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