“A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets” – Rose (Kate Winslet/ Gloria Stuart)

Titanic (1997)

Director: James Cameron

Language: Garbage face time (English)

 

Ugh this film is terrible, allow me to now make weak jokes about it.

Look, I feel bad about this one because I should have done the whole ‘I had never seen this film before so I paid close attention and have a whole write up for you’ thing. I didn’t do that. Somehow I got to 23 without seeing Titanic. I did not really feel the burden of this absence. Nevertheless, I got a little bit drunk with some friends back in June before I left University and they decided to right the wrong that was me not having seen Titanic. It wasn’t that they thought it was good, just that they needed me also to have experienced it. Perhaps it was some kind of group trauma ritual, I cannot say. Together we yelled nonsense at the television.

I really didn’t think it was a good film. I’m sorry if it was a big deal for you, or whatever. That’s fine. I just personally feel that the story of the Titanic was probably tragic enough without inventing a romantic storyline to make us care that they might die. I could probably care without it. Also I personally felt that the romance was less sexy and exciting than listening to Alan Bennet read lyrics from The Life of Pablo.

I had a lot of alcohol, limited phone battery and at some point stopped being able to post tweets because I found a lot of these in my drafts/ notes on my iPhone. I watched Titanic and this is what happened.

  1. First, this movie is 3 hours and 14 minutes long.
  2. That is Lord of the Rings runtime and I don’t think there are going to be as many japes.
  3. And they both have centrally important pieces of jewellery #spooky.
  4. “One ugly necklace to rule them all, one ugly necklace to find them.”
  5. YOU HEAR THAT JAMES CAMERON?
  6. GIVE ME JAPES OR GIVE ME A SERIOUS CHARACTER STUDY OF MESRINE OR NIXON OR DALI OR SOME SUCH IF YOU WISH ME TO BE STILL FOR 3 HOURS AND 14 MINUTES.
  7. What is this sepia bullshit? Is this Enya? Is this Enya does Celine?
  8. Is this the opening scene? I hate it.
  9. Michael: WHERE’S DICAPRIO? WHY SUBMERSIBLE?
  10. Ugh seriously though.
  11. LOOK IF I WANTED SUBMERSIBLE CHAT I COULD HAVE JUST WATCHED BLUE PLANET.
  12. THEN I WOULD HAVE GOT A WHALE SKELETON AND SEA WORMS OR SOMETHING
  13. Instead all I have is your bullshit, guy.
  14. ERMAHGAD maybe this film wouldn’t be so unreasonably long without this ballsac opening sequence.
  15. I would correct the spelling in the above but it’s reminding me of Honoré de Balzac and the way his name sounds like ballsack so I’m gonna leave it as a gift.
  16. I really really want there to be a kraken that just wallops these bitches.
  17. This movie would be way better with a Kraken.
  18. Although, given Avatar, I don’t want James Cameron to do the Kraken.
  19. I would like Guillermo del Toro to do the Kraken.
  20. OOH imagine a Guillermo del Toro version of Titanic. The ship could be a labyrinth. One of them could already be dead. Pale wan-ness would govern.
  21. That’s a movie I could get into for 3 hours and 14 minutes. One with a Kraken. But not a Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken.
  22. I have specific Kraken needs.
  23. *whispers* release the Kraken.
  24. They are acting like this safe is a huge letdown but … Like … Money is what people put in safes.
  25. What are they keeping in their safes? Artisanal Baked Goods?
  26. Ok. Ok. I’m sorry. But how did that drawing survive pressure washing? How? I call BULLSHIT.
  27. It looks like it is done with charcoal. Has James Cameron ever seen charcoal?
  28. NOBODY HAS YET DONNED A MASSIVE HAT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS MOVIE?
  29. PRESENT ME WITH A BRIM THAT COULD SHAVE A 19TH CENTURY WHALER’S WHISKERS AND AN OBNOXIOUS ADORNMENT IMMEDIATELY, FOOL.
  30. This is more exposition than the first episode of a new series of Game of Thrones.
  31. HOW ARE WE STILL IN THE PRESENT. HOW?
  32. AND ALSO WHY?
  33. THESE ARE THE BIG QUESTIONS.
  34. Finally!! Posh accents and huge hats. BACK ON BOARD.
  35. Fact: if you have your own promenade deck you are an asshole.
  36. Just a gaping asshole.
  37. She must have character because she likes art, right?
  38. She doesn’t think art is stupid, she is absolutely the heroine.
  39. GUYS SHE HAS TO SOCIALISE WITH NEW MONEY THE HORROR.
  40. Leo appears to command the Dolphins…
  41. IOAN GRUFFUDD you thought you could hide from me but you are IN this movie you Welsh fox.
  42. Guys do you remember when he was Lancelot in that really weird version of King Arthur.
  43. Also Mr Fantastic.
  44. Oh Ioan Gruffudd.
  45. This table has three women and only two fancy hats. Heavens.
  46. How much foreshadowing are we going to get in this film?
  47. I can do it too, look:
  48. ‘Sometimes the glass is so big that you have to put lots of alcohol and then Hannah gets drunk.’
  49. Nailed it.
  50. She appears to be wearing a doily with mould on it.
  51. Is he seriously being like ‘Wisconsin, that’s also cold like this ocean you’re trying to jump into.’
  52. Jack, honey, an ‘indoor girl’ sounds like an old euphemism for lesbianism …
  53. In her 25th summer she embraced her true nature as an indoor girl.
  54. Indoor girls, the YA lesbian romance.
  55. ‘But Jane, can we really just … can we just be this’, ‘This is who we are Anne. You and I, indoor girls, together.’
  56. Those two lines = more compelling romance than this film.
  57. She fucking sucks at lying.
  58. ‘Is that the going rate for saving the woman you love?’ This line is not as deep as she thinks it is.
  59. Everyone here has an equally big hat but is not equally respected, harsh times.

Here, the thoughts end. I don’t even think the boat had begun to sink at this point. I can tell you that the rest of the film degenerated into my friend and I shouting better raft plans at the television as though it was some bizarre interactive DIY show. I might revisit it one day, but probably not. BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING SHITE. Bye.

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